Ultimate educational turn-around proposal to transform children's lives in high-need areas: the earbud-method
(Confidential public record! Don't read or distribute unless you are reform-minded)
Dear Fellow Reformers,
As I was reading this report about a major reform-driven teacher training program using earbuds in a revolutionary way, I got inspired and deeply engaged myself in a ground-breaking scientific research. As a result, I can present to y'all the fruit of my efforts, my super-sure program, in five easy steps, to boost children's school performance to the max, while spending the least amount of money and time on teachers and their training. I am proud to report that not only have I carefully preserved all the existing managerial functions in education but I have also strategically positioned myself into inventing new ones to ensure solid success in turning children's lives around with maximum efficiency.
For my presentation, I engaged, through the generosity of my University, the famous Bridespan consulting firm. I think y'all will agree that the work of Bridespan was well worth investing in the $1.9 million taxpayers' money: the presentation now makes the applicability of my transformational research to much-needed charterization self evident.
Here are the 5 steps to maximize test scores. Note the democratic uniformity of the steps across classes and schools, hence the value of my method in eliminating any form of social and economical inequity.
Bud distributionBefore a test, the test-sergeant ($149K/yr) distributes wireless earbuds ($99/ea) to all the kids in the class. Kids cannot bring their own earbuds, since the buds need to be standardized to ensure objectivity and equal access, so they all are of the same size, color, and professionally crafted by Microsoft solely for educational use in the 21st century.
Microphone placementThe test-sergeant fun-fully but deliberately engages the kids to sit down in their chairs. He/she then places an also standards-compliant, professionally MS-made microphone ($99) into one of the two hands of the head bubble-coach ($99K/yr) sitting in a carefully and strategically selected, pre-darkened corner of the class room.
Ensure bubble-readinessThe test-sergeant creatively instructs the kids to open the test booklet and has them engaged to hold their standardized pencils ready for serious but deeply creative and fun-inspired bubble work.
Test engagementThe test begins with the head bubble-coach telling the kids, speaking clearly and calmly into the microphone: "The answer to test question number one is D as in Ding-Dong. Please make sure, you completely blacken the bubble next to the letter D".
Dynamic error correction procedureTo ensure maximal performance achievement, democracy and to prevent the possibility of discrimination based on gender, race or disability, two adjunct bubble-teachers ($7.25/hr) will check each kid's bubbling to make sure the correct bubble got bubbled. In case of errors, they will make professional corrections by first carefully erasing the incorrect bubbling and then engaging in the bubblement of the correct bubble. .
That's it. Some of the possible frequently asked questions and answers are as follows.
Do the kids pay for the earbuds?Excellent question. No, the children don't pay for anything; the earbuds are freely provided for them. For instance, the 3 million earbuds needed by the education-hungry children in our ruggedly beautiful state will be ordered from Microsoft directly, and will be paid for from our beautiful state's Educational Fund that is maintained from taxpayers' money and not from school-children's money. (To curb stake-holders' worries, I remark that the also tax-maintained Achievement School Fund will not be used to fund earbuds. As is well known, it was created for a different purpose: to help education-dedicated charter school operators and their hard-working management companies to serve children in high-need areas.)
Does the error-checking occur after the completion of the test?Thank you for this excellent question that gives me a chance for clarification. No, the error-checking of the bubbling work needs to be done after each and every test problem to ensure a safe, error-free, precision-inspired environment that can be replicated, due to the strategically invented standards, all over our volunteer state, America, and even the Universe.
How will the adjunct bubble-teachers be trained for this challenging, but world-transforming teaching opportunity?If I may say, this question is excellence-inspired. The answer, I must admit, is unexpected: the adjunct bubble-teachers will be the product of a unique, one-of-a-kind, science-based, and completely research-backed teacher training program. In our university, the first part of the training will take place on July 4th every year in Rosebud Theater on our campus, and will last one very intense hour. After that, the highest achieving students will be selected, using a high-rigor version of the Tennessee Value Added Method, T-VAM 2.0. These high-talent students will do a deeply-inspired, to-the-task-engaged, two hour long in-class training in a high-need but fully-mentorized class. The successful students will graduate, at 1900 hours, CST, with a Bachelor's Degree in Neoliberal Studies from our university's Universal College.
Is there any further work that needs to be done to capture the full success-potential of this transforming educational miracle?Excellent question, and thank you for using the word "miracle" to describe our life-transformational efforts. Yes, our job in the betterment of children-lives in low-performing schools will never be completely complete. One of the two main additional tasks that need to be done in the course of this unique, opportunity-driven framework for maximal student achievement is aligning the local entrepreneurs' funding excitement behind this poverty-eliminating program. The other remaining task is direct-funneling the generosity of the Hillbilly Foundation to the Accreditation Agency of the Phaslam-Marten Enterprises.
In conclusion, I need to emphasize that this revolutionary turn-around program needs to be implemented expeditiously. The children of our country are in grave danger in the hands of the current educational establishment: the old, 20th century methods will not allow our children to race to the top. In fact, however difficult it is for me to ponder about this possibility, our children, especially those in the high-need areas, may not even have a chance to compete in the race at all.
Gratefully, with the help-ready, always generous local and global philanthropists, anything is possible. I am hence confident that our children will win the competition in the 21st and other centuries the future may bring. All we need to do is equip them with this new, chance-giving educational tool I hereby christen the earbud-method.